On feeling happier

I didn’t use the word happy in my title like I was going to because I still have bad days but they weren’t as bad as they were before and I can get over my anxieties quicker.

Therapy has helped a lot and is continuing to help. It’s online but it still helps for me to be able to talk to someone when I need to. Also, in a weird way, the breakup I went through a couple months ago has also helped me. It’s not to do with the person in particular but since it was my first relationship, I didn’t really know how to navigate it so I ended up not doing a great job (she would protest but I don’t want to pretend everything I did was good). It being a long distance one didn’t help either. I was very attached to her and got too involved in her life. I got jealous and frustrated easily at things that didn’t really matter so when that relationship ended, I didn’t feel those things anymore.

It reminded me that now, I should focus on myself instead. And that has helped me too. I’ve been able to praise myself for accomplishing things and being proud of myself (my therapist even said that she had noticed it). I have also allowed myself to be happy with things. If I watch a video I find funny, for example, I don’t stop myself from laughing loudly which I would have done before.

It’s taking time but I think I’m becoming more comfortable with myself. I’m still socially anxious around people though so that’s something to work on and that will take a long, long time but I’m hoping I’ll get there eventually.

Independence is still something I’m working on too. I’m nervous about driving to new places on my own but I’m slowly getting myself to drive more often and to more places that I don’t know. It helps that I know how to work the sat nav on my phone now…

The final thing I can think of to work on is being comfortable taking selfies. I used to be fine with it, actually like it. But I fell into depression again and ever since then, I haven’t taken a picture of myself at all. I also deleted almost all of my old selfies (apart from one which I couldn’t get rid of because I liked it too much, but I probably wouldn’t have admitted that) and I don’t really know why. I was probably sick of seeing my own face. It’s been months since I last took a selfie so it’ll be hard to start doing it again but I’m sure it’s not as big of a deal as I think it will be.

So basically, for anyone who cares, I’m feeling happier with myself. It feels weird to say it after so long of thinking I’ll only be sad forever but it’s here, so I can’t back out now.

Hope you’re doing well too and if you’re not, that’s okay, just hang in there.

 

Ellis

2 thoughts on “On feeling happier

  1. This is deeply relatable for me. My first year in recovery I cried the whole time, the second year I raged, and since then it’s been realigning with this thing called laughter. And allowing myself to laugh. Out loud. Even though I have a loud laugh. Allowing myself to find things funny even when other people don’t. Not being ashamed of my sense of humor. Allowing myself to have inappropriate humor and dad jokes and… Allowing myself to be me.

    I loved the way you wrote this because you showed the juxtaposition between how it was and how it is now. It’s great that you’re seeing progress and that you’re celebrating it.

    Oh and I SO get the getting too close to a significant other. Researching codependency has been helpful for me on that. Some great books and workbooks out there.

    Keep up the great work, friend.

    Like

    1. I understand that. I’m not sure when I really started recovery. It’s kinds blurry to me because there were times when I would change therapists and different things started cropping up. Like it used to be anxiety that was the worst for me and until recently, depression had taken it’s place. But recovery is hard, definitely.

      Allowing myself to laugh is quite a big deal. Mostly because I’m embarrassed of it if I laugh when other people don’t, like you said.

      Thanks! Yeah I think the way I used to be and the way I am now is quite a bit different. Thanks, celebrating that I’m making progress is kinda difficult because I’m more used to just ignoring it or telling myself I should be doing better but I’m trying not to do that

      Maybe I should research some stuff too. I did read a book called “Happy” by Derren brown and there was a section there about co dependency. I only recently started my relationship and it scared me because I felt like i was too attached and it kinda created problems bc my girlfriend thought it meant I didn’t like her or something. It was complicated… but anyway, it’s something else I need to work on

      Thank you. You too c:
      And thanks for commenting

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s